Healing from Childhood Trauma: A Journey from Fear to Hope for Daughters of Alcoholics
Why Don’t You Love Me?
A child’s question to an alcoholic parent.
Growing up with an alcoholic parent changes your life, whether you like it or not. It embeds something within you that you carry throughout your whole life.
The Impact of Alcoholism on Children
Fear and Anxiety
Growing up in an environment plagued by alcoholism leads to a multitude of negative emotions: fear, anger, pain, worry, confusion, embarrassment, jealousy, insecurity, and trust issues.
Living in a constant state of hyperarousal, anticipating the next outburst or episode of verbal abuse can profoundly affect a child’s development.
As a child, I grappled with an irrational fear of death, crying for hours, convinced someone close to me would die. This perpetual state of fight or flight morphed me into an angry teenager and later an anxious adult with a fiery temper and a short fuse.
Navigating Emotional Turmoil
Emotional Bottling
Experiencing this emotional rollercoaster undoubtedly builds resilience, but it also causes you to bottle up every negative feeling. For much of my life, I only addressed my emotions when alcohol was involved.
When asked how I was, I always responded with, “I’m fine.” In reality, I was far from fine.
I bottled everything up to the point of emotional numbness. I wasn’t happy or sad; I simply existed.
Being a teenager is hard enough; being a teenager with a disdain for authority and a lot of rage is even harder. School was a difficult period in my life.
I masked my pain with a bad attitude and anger, forming bonds with other trauma-suffering kids who wreaked havoc in school. I was both bullied and a bully, and I still carry guilt over how I treated others during that time.
The Struggles of Insecurity
Questions Without Answers
Having a parent who repeatedly chooses substances over you leads to profound insecurities.
Questions like "Why am I not enough for them to stop?" and "Why don’t they love me enough to care about how much they are hurting me?" haunt you.
You may even start to believe that you are the problem. Did I cause that outburst? Did I say the wrong thing?
Though I projected confidence in my career, I was deeply insecure outside of work. My ambition drove me to excel, seeking validation through professional achievements, with praise from colleagues fed my insecurities, and masking my feelings of worthlessness.
The Long List of Issues
Emotional and Psychological Effects
Along with insecurity, I developed a long list of other issues:
Anxiety
Panic attacks
Avoidant attachment style
Memory loss
Numbness
Control issues
Obsessive busyness
Hypersensitivity to noise
Power imbalances
Shutdown during arguments
Migraines
Stomach issues
Complex PTSD (CPTSD)
Substance abuse
Desensitisation to pain
Finding Hope and Healing
I consider myself lucky to realise that my feelings and behaviours were not normal. Like many self-respecting adults facing issues, I turned to Dr. Google, and I discovered countless others shared similar struggles.
Understanding that my pain stemmed from childhood trauma, not because there was something wrong with me, marked a significant turning point in my life.
While I acknowledge that the healing journey is ongoing and filled with challenges, I’ve come to understand that addiction is a sickness rooted in trauma.
Trauma can be a gateway to various mental and physical illnesses, leading to pain and suffering that often goes unrecognised.
The Journey to Self-Awareness
Understanding Generational Trauma
I believe generational trauma has long been overlooked, passing pain from one generation to the next. Self-awareness and an understanding of your past are the first steps on the path to healing and breaking this curse.
This journey is not easy; it is often painful and confrontational. Many, including myself, may stray off the path, only to return through self-reflection and guidance.
Professional support can be an invaluable tool, and the world is gradually recognising the significant impact of childhood trauma.
Numerous resources are available to assist those seeking help, yet there’s still a long way to go.
A New Perspective
My mission is to help 100,000 children of alcoholics over the next 3 years.
I aim to raise awareness about this critical issue in our society. I am a different person now than I was five years ago. I’ve shed the numbness and cultivated gratitude for the small joys in life.
My struggles have made me the strong person I am today, and I no longer carry anger or resentment.
This journey is one of daily work and struggles, but one that is worth every piece of effort.
If I can do it, so can you!
Corey ❤