Why Do We People Please and Allow Others to Take Our Happiness?
Stop saying yes, when you really want to say no
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash
There are too many times in this life that we do things that we don't want to do to please other people.
All through my teens and 20s, unknowing to myself, I was a people pleaser.
I would go out partying when I really wanted to stay home. I would engage in shitty conversations about people just to make the other person think I agreed with them, so in turn, they would like me.
I gave so much of my time and energy to other people that I now understand why I was so exhausted all the time.
The other day my partner agreed to give someone a lift after a full day of work to a location that was over an hour away, one way, in peak hour traffic.
He was so annoyed that he had agreed to do that but he said yes out of guilt. All he wanted to do was come home from work and relax and now he found himself completely wound up, sitting in peak traffic.
And it got me thinking, why do we put ourselves under stress to suit other people?
Why?
I think there are many reasons why people please and it would be wrong to say that the reasons are the same for everyone across the board.
Some of the factors that may cause individuals to act this way are,
Emotionally unavailable parents which led to the child doing what they can to gain the attention of the parent and their emotional needs fulfilled.
Lack of self-worth and allowing their self-worth to be linked to what others think of them.
Don't like to face conflict or any negative emotions.
Overly compassionate and putting others' needs in front of their own.
My own reason to people please, although unknown to me at the time, was that I had a complete lack of self-worth.
I can remember so many times at work when I would say yes to something or agree to a salary and not speak up just because I wanted a boss to like me.
Deep down I knew my worth, but the voice in my head would tell me to just agree and I can review the salary down the line. I never did!
Boundaries
Setting boundaries with people, especially the people who don't have any and expect everything and anything from you, will change your life.
I am all for helping out anyone and being there for them, but not when it comes at the cost of my own emotional well-being and energy.
Learning to say,
‘’ No, I can't make the party’’ or ‘’ No, I can't bring you somewhere’’ will set you free.
True friends and family will understand your position. If they don't understand, that's not your problem.
It is difficult at the start, like any new habit.
You might still get that pang of guilt after, but the more you do it, the more you will realise how much more at peace you feel.
Learning to set boundaries is so important for our emotional and mental wellbeing.
When we continue to allow our boundaries to be crossed it can lead to overwhelm and anxiety. We can start to feel anger towards a person who is constantly trying to take from us.
The next time you find yourself in a situation where you are being asked to do something you don't want to do, don't over-explain or try to make up excuses. Be polite and say ‘’ no, sorry I can’t’’.
You don't need to overthink it like I used to.
Remember, you cannot please everyone in life, and that's ok.
Corey ❤️